Divorce Mediation

Here is a great article by Lee Borden from Divorceinfo.com:

Divorce mediation still feels like a new idea in some parts of the country, but it’s increasingly well-known and widely accepted. Mediation means different things to different people. In the form I recommend, you and your spouse would sit down in the same room with each other and with a neutral mediator. With the mediator’s help, you would work through all the issues you need to resolve so the two of you can get through your divorce.

Although there certainly are several different styles of mediation, there are several things you can depend on no matter what style your mediator uses. Mediation is flexible and confidential. It gives you and your spouse a way to settle the conflict between you, which is natural and inevitable, in a way that helps you to work together as parents after your divorce.

The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife. That means the mediator can’t give advice to either party, and also can’t act as a lawyer for either party.

What the mediator can do, though, is to point out in open session to both spouses things that each of them should be aware of about what they’re trying to accomplish. That open and free exchange of information frees up both spouses to negotiate with each other in confidence. Because both spouses are working with the same base of information, it usually takes far less time to negotiate a resolution that makes sense to both spouses.

You’re welcome to bring your lawyer to mediation if you want to, or you can use your lawyer as an advisor between sessions. Don’t let your lawyer make you feel that you must pay him or her to be with you during mediation. That’s strictly up to you.

Mediation is voluntary. It continues only for so long as all three of you – you, your spouse, and the mediator — want it to. Your mediator has to have a good reason to withdraw. You or your spouse can withdraw from mediation at any time, for a good reason, a bad reason, or no reason at all.

People often ask, “Does mediation really work?” In a word, yes. We know from years of research that when you compare couples who have mediated their divorce with couples who go through an adversarial divorce, mediating couples are more likely to be satisfied with the process and the results, likely to take less time and spend less money, and are less likely to go back to court later to fight about something.

The main advantage of mediation is that it keeps you and your spouse in control of your own divorce. That can make all the difference in your recovering from your divorce and moving on with your life. Mediation allows the two of you to get through your divorce with less conflict than you would experience in an adversarial divorce. Because mediation is all about working with shared knowledge, mediation also often allows you and your spouse to work together to lower your tax bill . . . and that can often translate to more money for you.

9 tips for surviving the Holidays.

There’s no time like the holidays for good cheer and jolly times with family. And the stress that leads to conflict. Since life is short and the holiday season comes around but once a year, here are a professional mediator’s tips for disarming holiday conflict so you can focus on the joy and fun instead.

1. Don’t let yourself get hangry

Maybe you’re hosting and busy taking care of everyone else. Maybe in the whirlwind of holiday travel you don’t eat properly. Maybe you’re fasting in anticipation of the humungous meal ahead. All of these can inadvertently cause you to get hangry … hungry + angry. Your brain needs energy for good self-control and glucose is one important source of that energy. Read more about self-control and getting hangry.

2. Get enough rest

The late nights and early cooking mornings of holiday gatherings can mean disrupted sleep patterns. And mom was right: A good night’s sleep is important. Sleep gives you better self-management, crucial when things get testy around you. Didn’t get enough sleep and notice your a little short-tempered when Aunt Betsy’s Newfoundland knocks over your toddler for the second time? Even a nap can help. Read more about sleep, conflict, and self-control.

3. Go for a walk

There’s nothing like a walk to clear the mind. And, it turns out, to help you sort out a problem that’s cropped up. Walking increases oxygen intake, a bonus for clear headedness and stress management. And there’s a bonus if you go for a walk with the person who’s stressing you out: When you’re walking, you’re facing forward together, a potentially powerful, if subtle, alignment. Read more about walking and problem-solving.

4. Take a break

If you feel the frustration building, do everything you can to avoid venting. Contrary to popular myth, venting actually increases aggression. Instead, take a break, get away from the fray, and go sit quietly. Thirty minutes is ideal, but that’s not always possible in the midst of holiday gatherings. Grab what time you can; even a few minutes can help. Read more about calming yourself down.

5. Be a fly on the wall

If you find yourself hot under the collar and the roast turkey is preventing you from taking a long walk or even a break, all is not lost. Mentally visualize yourself up on the wall like a fly, watching everything unfold. You can even do this while basting. This kind of self-distancing gives you a more detached view and helps calm angry feelings, even in the heat of the moment. Learn more about self-distancing to control anger on the fly (hah!).

6. Know the difference between yelling at and yelling toward

When someone else loses their cool and unloads in your direction, it’s good to have this mediator’s trick in your back pocket. A raised voice is a sign that the other person is trying desperately to feel heard and the quickest way to help them isn’t to chastise them for bad behavior, but instead to simply say their point back to them. Read more about the difference between yelling at and yelling toward.

7. Listen more, talk less

You know that old saying, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason? Well, that reason is tension and conflict. It’s seductive to talk more, trying to persuade them to see it your way. Any mediator will tell you to do the opposite: Shut up and listen. Put down the turkey baster and listen. Turn off the football game (unless there’s a large crowd who will never speak to you again) and listen. Read about the right kind of listening during conflict.

8. Remember that conflict can be real but not true

If you’ve had a long history of conflict with your Uncle Al, that history is going to color your every interaction with him (and his with you). With chronic conflict, you’re probably letting your residual memory of past experiences trigger your reaction even when the present circumstances don’t necessarily warrant it. Was Uncle Al really just being manipulative a few minutes ago, or are your past conclusions about him coloring your interpretation? Odds are good it’s the latter, even when you don’t want to believe it. Ask yourself, would a person who loves Al and thinks he’s great see what I saw? Read more about when conflict is real but not true.

9. When all else fails, use rock, paper, scissors

Rock, paper, scissors is more than child’s play. When holiday stress and old tensions prompt trivial disagreements, get them over with so they don’t pollute the rest of your gathering. If a parking lot and a judge can use this game, so can you.

Four tips for effective mediation.

If you want to know how to use the mediation process in the most effective way possible than these four tips by attorney Richard Shore are great starting points:

1. Let the other side pick the mediator.

Mediation should be speedy, economical, and conciliatory. But parties often kick things off with a mediator-selection process that is complex, expensive, time consuming, and adversarial. Avoid this opening skirmish by letting the other side pick the mediator. This engenders cooperation, generates good will, speeds up the process, holds down costs, and introduces you to new mediators you might actually like.Reserve your right to reject someone with an actual conflict, but don’t ding someone just because the other side believes the person is favorably disposed to them or their position. That can be an advantage. Such a mediator will have more credibility with your opponent than someone who is viewed as completely neutral or as tilting in your favor. And such a mediator, wanting to avoid any perception of bias, may bend over backward to be fair to your side.Remember that a mediator is not a decision maker and cannot force you to accept a settlement you do not like, so there is little risk to accepting a mediator proposed by the other side, and much to be gained.

2. Don’t argue about who is right.

Well, not as much as you—or your counsel—want to, anyway. The goal of mediation is not to win an argument; it is to achieve a favorable settlement. Some substantive exchange is appropriate and even useful, but scoring substantive points is at most a tactic. Don’t let it hijack the process.Usually by the time mediation occurs, the parties are quite familiar with the factual and legal issues and have had ample opportunity to assess the case. An excessive focus on vindicating arguments can harden positions, antagonize the other side, and divert attention from the goal of settlement. And it is expensive and time-consuming to boot. Get to a negotiation over dollars or the other key settlement terms as quickly as possible. There will be plenty of time to argue over substance later if the mediation fails.

3. Leave the litigators at home.

By default, litigators tend to handle both litigation and settlement responsibilities. Often it is more effective to create a separate settlement or mediation track led by a lawyer who is not the public face of the litigation.

4. Deal with hard issues last.

It always amazes me when a mediator says, “Let’s get all the issues out on the table right up front.” If your goal is to create as many impediments to settlement as possible, that is just the right approach. If your goal is to settle, you are generally far better off focusing on a key issue—usually money—first and leaving the other, sometimes harder issues for later. Once there is agreement on the key term, the parties will tend to feel that they have a deal and that the remaining terms will be worked out in due course.  This approach creates momentum rather than impediments.Indeed, it is often wise to leave key issues, or at least their final contours, to the drafting phase of a written agreement. Deals often fall apart over key substantive issues, but they generally don’t fall apart over drafting issues. So consider leaving hard issues until the end, and call them drafting issues. A rose by another name might actually have fewer thorns.

Here is a great article I found:

Christian Support For Divorce

Finding Christian support for divorce within your church community can be challenging. After all, divorce makes people uncomfortable. It exposes the fact that any marriage is vulnerable and it shifts the dynamics of long-term friendships. The following article provides some pointers for people who want to support their Christian friends during their divorce, with insight from the other side.

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10 Things I Wish Christians Knew About a Divorced Woman

1. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work. Just because I’m divorced doesn’t mean I didn’t do everything in my power to save my marriage.

2. My marriage was not doomed by some sort of fatal flaw in me, so please stop looking for one. Divorce is a heavy enough burden to bear without adding shame to the load.

3. I did not suddenly want to be with only single women all the time. I value men’s input, and need to witness healthy marriages to heal. My grief is compounded when I’m excluded from groups and friends simply because I’m divorced.

4. I define myself by more than my marital status. I’m also a mom, a reader, a choir member, writer, health-nut, home-owner, dog-lover, friend, and worshiper. Please don’t think you have nothing in common with me just because I’m divorced.

5. I do not need to hear another Bible verse. I need acceptance from people who will affirm my worth and give me a place to belong. Please allow me to be where I’m at even if it makes you uncomfortable.

6. There is no set time when I will be "over it". Healing needs to happen on many levels. I have to double back through my deepest wounds often to learn new responses. That doesn’t mean, however, that I’m not making progress.

7. Not everything about my ex-spouse is bad. Please don’t make a future positive relationship between him and my kids any harder for me by making derogatory remarks about him.

8. I need friends who will be sounding boards to help me think through decisions about my home, career and parenting. I do not need people to tell me what I “should” do or what they would do if they were in my shoes. That only undermines my already fragile self-confidence.

9. If you really want to help me, encourage my children to honor their mother. I take responsibility for being honor-worthy, but on Mother’s Day, my birthday and Christmas my kids could use an extra push in the right direction.

10. I have a lot to offer. The lessons I’ve learned through divorce would probably bless anyone who got to know me. Yes, I’ve been wounded and need the church, but I’ve also discovered that the church needs me just as much.

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Divorce List, Copyright 2005, by Debbie Carsten of Divorce Help for Christian Women

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The subject of divorce is a tough one for many Christians. In fact, many Christians have been told that divorce is a sin and they usually can’t remarry if they are divorced. But is this what the Bible really means? For an interesting discussion about this, check out In Defense of Divorce by Ennis B. Pepper. He will help you gain a new perspective on the subject of divorce from a Christian perspective.

On a different note, having your marriage collapse is rough, so it's important to find good Christian support for divorce when you're dealing with everything. One really good organization that provides such services is DivorceCare. They offer seminars and support groups, and you can look for a chapter in your area at their website.

Why Mediation is bettter: The benefits of mediation vs. traditional legal system

Some interesting information from Joan B Kelly concerning divorce statistics:

The divorce rate began its sharp increase in the early 1960’s and more than doubled by the end of the 1970s.  This was accompanied by dramatic changes in cultural traditions, societal expectations, and divorce and child custody laws which led to increased reliance on the courts to adjudicate separation and divorce disputes, including decisions related to children.  By the late 1970s, more than 1 million children under age 18 were affected by divorce each year, an increase that overburdened the capacity of courts to handle custody and access matters.  Although the divorce rate decreased slightly in the 1980s and 1990s, a trend that continues, the number of families with children affected by parental separation each year has remained relatively stable.

During the 1970s and 1980s, the adversarial legal system was the only process available to assist families in resolving their disputes in most jurisdictions in the United States.  Oriented toward determining a winner and a loser, this legal process for resolving divorce and custody disputes focused on proving guilt and innocence as a determinant of outcomes in what was essentially a psychological process of dissolving a troubled marital relationship. It was, and remains, an expensive, emotionally draining, and protracted process. There was increasing concern voiced by judges, legal and mental health professionals, and social scientists about the apparent negative effects of prolonged litigation on families, parenting capacities and communication, and children’s adjustment. 

In response to the widespread concerns about the detrimental effects of the adversarial process, and to reduce the exclusive reliance on adversarial proceedings in divorce and custody disputes, several alternative educational, legal, and dispute resolution interventions were developed over the next two decades (Emery, 1994; Katz, 1994; Kelly, 1994, 2002). These ranged from the most widely available and least expensive (divorce education programs), to divorce and custody mediation in the private and public  sector, and innovations such as post-mediation and pre-trial settlement conferences.

Divorce mediation was promoted as a viable alternative to the adversarial process for settling separation and divorce disputes, including custody and parenting.  Despite opposition from the legal profession and domestic violence advocates for women, and the difficulty of establishing statutes and practice in 50 different states, divorce and custody mediation in both the public and private sector continued to expand. Divorce mediation was promoted as a less time consuming, more cost effective, humane and satisfying method of divorcing than was the traditional adversarial process or litigation.  Advocates for mediation stated that mediated agreements would result in better compliance and reduced litigation.  The process was expected to enhance problem-solving skills among the disputants, and promote cooperation and communication regarding children. In addition, mediation was viewed as more empowering and more likely to result in better adjustment of adults and children to the divorce than was likely to occur in the traditional legal system.