Divorce Mediation

Here is a great article by Lee Borden from Divorceinfo.com:

Divorce mediation still feels like a new idea in some parts of the country, but it’s increasingly well-known and widely accepted. Mediation means different things to different people. In the form I recommend, you and your spouse would sit down in the same room with each other and with a neutral mediator. With the mediator’s help, you would work through all the issues you need to resolve so the two of you can get through your divorce.

Although there certainly are several different styles of mediation, there are several things you can depend on no matter what style your mediator uses. Mediation is flexible and confidential. It gives you and your spouse a way to settle the conflict between you, which is natural and inevitable, in a way that helps you to work together as parents after your divorce.

The mediator remains neutral between the husband and the wife. That means the mediator can’t give advice to either party, and also can’t act as a lawyer for either party.

What the mediator can do, though, is to point out in open session to both spouses things that each of them should be aware of about what they’re trying to accomplish. That open and free exchange of information frees up both spouses to negotiate with each other in confidence. Because both spouses are working with the same base of information, it usually takes far less time to negotiate a resolution that makes sense to both spouses.

You’re welcome to bring your lawyer to mediation if you want to, or you can use your lawyer as an advisor between sessions. Don’t let your lawyer make you feel that you must pay him or her to be with you during mediation. That’s strictly up to you.

Mediation is voluntary. It continues only for so long as all three of you – you, your spouse, and the mediator — want it to. Your mediator has to have a good reason to withdraw. You or your spouse can withdraw from mediation at any time, for a good reason, a bad reason, or no reason at all.

People often ask, “Does mediation really work?” In a word, yes. We know from years of research that when you compare couples who have mediated their divorce with couples who go through an adversarial divorce, mediating couples are more likely to be satisfied with the process and the results, likely to take less time and spend less money, and are less likely to go back to court later to fight about something.

The main advantage of mediation is that it keeps you and your spouse in control of your own divorce. That can make all the difference in your recovering from your divorce and moving on with your life. Mediation allows the two of you to get through your divorce with less conflict than you would experience in an adversarial divorce. Because mediation is all about working with shared knowledge, mediation also often allows you and your spouse to work together to lower your tax bill . . . and that can often translate to more money for you.

9 tips for surviving the Holidays.

There’s no time like the holidays for good cheer and jolly times with family. And the stress that leads to conflict. Since life is short and the holiday season comes around but once a year, here are a professional mediator’s tips for disarming holiday conflict so you can focus on the joy and fun instead.

1. Don’t let yourself get hangry

Maybe you’re hosting and busy taking care of everyone else. Maybe in the whirlwind of holiday travel you don’t eat properly. Maybe you’re fasting in anticipation of the humungous meal ahead. All of these can inadvertently cause you to get hangry … hungry + angry. Your brain needs energy for good self-control and glucose is one important source of that energy. Read more about self-control and getting hangry.

2. Get enough rest

The late nights and early cooking mornings of holiday gatherings can mean disrupted sleep patterns. And mom was right: A good night’s sleep is important. Sleep gives you better self-management, crucial when things get testy around you. Didn’t get enough sleep and notice your a little short-tempered when Aunt Betsy’s Newfoundland knocks over your toddler for the second time? Even a nap can help. Read more about sleep, conflict, and self-control.

3. Go for a walk

There’s nothing like a walk to clear the mind. And, it turns out, to help you sort out a problem that’s cropped up. Walking increases oxygen intake, a bonus for clear headedness and stress management. And there’s a bonus if you go for a walk with the person who’s stressing you out: When you’re walking, you’re facing forward together, a potentially powerful, if subtle, alignment. Read more about walking and problem-solving.

4. Take a break

If you feel the frustration building, do everything you can to avoid venting. Contrary to popular myth, venting actually increases aggression. Instead, take a break, get away from the fray, and go sit quietly. Thirty minutes is ideal, but that’s not always possible in the midst of holiday gatherings. Grab what time you can; even a few minutes can help. Read more about calming yourself down.

5. Be a fly on the wall

If you find yourself hot under the collar and the roast turkey is preventing you from taking a long walk or even a break, all is not lost. Mentally visualize yourself up on the wall like a fly, watching everything unfold. You can even do this while basting. This kind of self-distancing gives you a more detached view and helps calm angry feelings, even in the heat of the moment. Learn more about self-distancing to control anger on the fly (hah!).

6. Know the difference between yelling at and yelling toward

When someone else loses their cool and unloads in your direction, it’s good to have this mediator’s trick in your back pocket. A raised voice is a sign that the other person is trying desperately to feel heard and the quickest way to help them isn’t to chastise them for bad behavior, but instead to simply say their point back to them. Read more about the difference between yelling at and yelling toward.

7. Listen more, talk less

You know that old saying, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason? Well, that reason is tension and conflict. It’s seductive to talk more, trying to persuade them to see it your way. Any mediator will tell you to do the opposite: Shut up and listen. Put down the turkey baster and listen. Turn off the football game (unless there’s a large crowd who will never speak to you again) and listen. Read about the right kind of listening during conflict.

8. Remember that conflict can be real but not true

If you’ve had a long history of conflict with your Uncle Al, that history is going to color your every interaction with him (and his with you). With chronic conflict, you’re probably letting your residual memory of past experiences trigger your reaction even when the present circumstances don’t necessarily warrant it. Was Uncle Al really just being manipulative a few minutes ago, or are your past conclusions about him coloring your interpretation? Odds are good it’s the latter, even when you don’t want to believe it. Ask yourself, would a person who loves Al and thinks he’s great see what I saw? Read more about when conflict is real but not true.

9. When all else fails, use rock, paper, scissors

Rock, paper, scissors is more than child’s play. When holiday stress and old tensions prompt trivial disagreements, get them over with so they don’t pollute the rest of your gathering. If a parking lot and a judge can use this game, so can you.